An Honest Gringotts Visit
by Vanwilder
Summary: Every Gringotts visit ever. A parody one-shot.


"May your gold flow, and your enemies crumble Lord Potter."

"And may you find your golden sword dripping with the blood of your enemies, Griphook."

"You rembered my name?" Griphook asked, eyes filled with utmost adoration.

"Of course I did. What kind of a Gary Stu would I be if I didn't have perfect memory?" Harry said continued, "Now please grant me an audience with Ragnok, the director and king of Goblin Nation."

Griphook nodded frantically. "As you say Lord Potter! You are the most important being on earth, for us. Although, don't you think the readers would remember that a Goblin Nation was never mentioned in canon?"

Harry laughed. "Of course not. Do you think they would be reading this story if they were smart enough?"

"Point."

With that Harry casually stolled through the Gringotts hall, completely bypassing the lines of wizards and witches waiting for their turn.

Some ugly looking guards joined them (of course they were ugly looking, only Harry and girls he likes have a right to be attractive in this story) as they made their way deep inside the bank. And they kept going, and going, and going. Finally they reached a large hall of some sort. It was decorated with all sorts of things that would induce fear in a wizard that the author is too squeamish to search for.

But Harry went right ahead, ignoring all of that in favour of giving Ragnok a bow.

Ragnok stepped off his throne and gave Harry an even bigger bow.

"I am sure you received the letter for your inheritance, Lord Potter."

Harry nodded. "The one you sent me right after my godfather, Sirius Black died, yes?"

"Exactly. As you have already been emancipated last year by the Tri-Wizard Tournament, or by request of Sirius, you can now access the vast fortunes your parents left you with."

"I already know that Dumbledore is a manipulative asshole, because he cautioned me to not go to Gringotts even though there's the very legitimate threat of Voldemort. It's almost as if he was being sensible."

"See if the authors care."

Harry smirked. "Of course they don't. After all, the very existence of this version of you and me is only because so many writers wrote into these clichés that a mediocre author decided to write a parody out of it.

"That smart meta comment out of the way, shall we do what I came here for?"

"Inheritance test?" Ragnok asked, eyes gleaming.

"Inheritance test." Harry nodded.

"Oh, and before we do anything more, please remember to take seven times the normal fees. Because, you know, being rich allows me to buy kindness and friendships."

Ragnok stopped in his tracks, stared, then suddenly shouted, "FRIEND OF THE GOBLIN NATION!"

"Hey don't use so many capital letters, it's incredibly hard to read." But Ragnok wasn't listening, instead he started walking down the hall.

With that, Harry was led through an _even longer_ path, _even deeper_ in the ground.

They finally reached a chamber big enough that Harry's vast intelligence could successfully be contained in it, if only barely. That is, it was a small room barely big enough for a desk and two chairs.

When both of them sat down on the chairs, Ragnok took out a list and handed it over to Harry.

"List of available Inheritance Tests?" Harry read aloud.

"We didn't know which one you would've preferred, so we simply wrote all the possible methods we have at our disposal so that you can easily select the one you want."

Harry started skimming over the list. "Trial by Hogwarts' Founders? You have _actual_ life essence of the four founders? And Merlin's too?"

Ragnok smirked. "Of course we do. Do you doubt our pretty plot convenient extraordinary magic?"

"Of course not," Harry hastily said, "I just, you know, think about why you guys have lost so many wars if you have better weapons, better magic, even more bloodthirsty soldiers."

"No no no that question comes after you're done discussing the money in your vaults and want combat training. We'll see about it later. And don't you dare go out of the script like that again."

Harry sighed, nodded, and went back to reading over the admittedly long list. "This test will tell me all about my true potential, as well as my powers and language speaking skills, almost as if this was a game?" He asked, pointing at one name in the list.

"Yes it will. It will also tell you how most of your abilities have somehow been locked up by Dumbledore to keep you under his nose."

Harry marked it with his quill, and continued reading.

Finally he reached a decision. "That one please."

Ragnok nodded.

Harry was then led to an _even longer_ journey, _even more_ deeper inside Gringotts.

"Just out of curiosity," Harry said, "just how deep do these halls and corridors go? And why am I feeling so hot?"

Ragnok chuckled. "You are 10 meters away from earth's core. It is because of our excellent cooling charms that you haven't melted already."

Harry nodded. That made sense.

"Also, here's another little tidbit: our cave systems and tunnels are very densely crisscrossed in the ground beneath London."

"So one minor earthquake and the city will be done for?" When Ragnok nodded, Harry asked, "Why?"

"How do you think we make the space for so many rooms for inheritance tests, and vaults, and so many other things…"

Harry nodded. That too made sense.

After the overly complicated test was over, Harry was back in Ragnok's room.

He held a parchment that was so long it had to be folded up more times than Dumbledore consumed lemon drops in a week.

"Before we proceed, Sirius Black left a letter to be read to you on the event of his death. Do you Wish to hear it?" Harry nodded.

_Hey Prongslet/Pup/Cub!_

_First of all, let me assure you that you did nothing wrong and my death was only my own stupid mistake, even though I have no concievable way of knowing that when I wrote this. For all I know, you may have joined the Death Eaters, but I will still say these things._

_Second, I will explain to you, in detail, why I don't trust Dumbledore or the Weasleys. And I would have arranged a way for you to escape from their grasp with the help of the Goblins. I had no problems, even as an escaped convict, everything happened smoothly, and I was able to talk to and meet the Goblins without anyone ever knowing about it._

_Why did I never actually tell you about my suspicions? Because._ (To the reader, this statement is not missing any words.)

_Anyhow, wishing you a happy life, and good luck!_

_Padfoot/Sirius Orion Black._

"That out of the way," Ragnok rubbed his hands gleefully, "let's start reading your results."

After twenty years and _lots_ of talking, the reading was finally complete. Here are some snippets from the intervening years:

_1._

"I am the king of United Kingdom? How does that even work? I mean, I can't really change the current government in place, just because I say things people will just not start agreeing with me, will they? Also, do you really want the readers to think that the backwards society full of wars and kingdoms and nobility is better than the Democracy in place today?"

_2._

"Azkaban? What do you mean I rule Azkaban?"

_3._

"Harems? Now I think you're just messing with me."

_4._

"What the hell does a marriage contract even mean? And why do I have said contracts with all the witches in Hogwarts, _including_ McGonagall?"

_5._

"I have how many Animagus forms?" "Yes."

_6._

"Is there a single house in the whole world _not_ owned by Potter family?"

_And lastly..._

"I still don't understand," Harry was saying, "How can I have the powers of both dragons and yoki ona?"

"You're Harry bloody Potter. Learn to accept these things and move on."

"I guess." Harry was still unsure.

"Now then. Do you know of a method for me to get better at combat training? Also, can you help me travel back to when I was fifteen? I think Dumbledore _might_ suspect something has gone wrong."

"Certainly. Here, have this particularly skilled Goblin teacher, learn all about fighting, then go back in time through that time chamber over there. I sometimes think there may be much better ways of utilizing that chamber…" Harry was staring at him. Other Goblins were staring at him. Nifflers digging through the dirt to get to the gold stopped and stared at him.

"I'm joking!" Harry released a relieved sigh. "As if I am going to do something logical for a change."

All of them laughed uproariously. Such a silly idea that was.

"And don't forget about the paintings of your parents in your vault! Dumbledore obviously didn't tell you about them because he is Evil with a capital E and should just start singing haikus because that's how evil he is."

Harry thanked Ragnok for his help as he was being led away by the Goblin trainer he had been assigned.

He stopped at the door.

"But we totally forgot to discuss how many galleons I have," he turned and addressed Ragnok.

Ragnok smiled. "How many do you want?"

* * *

I would have made this longer, but I felt that it was starting to overstay its welcome.

Special thanks to OlegGunnarsson for providing valuable input and overall being an excellent beta. Go check him out. He's awesome.


End file.
